if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
