Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
