Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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