just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
