So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
