i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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