that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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