What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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