Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
