I'm eating all of the evidence.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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