if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
