New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
