I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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