I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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