bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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