If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
