mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
