i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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