Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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