just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
