the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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