The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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