tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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