Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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