When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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