I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
