I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
