My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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