You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
