I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Shame - the story of my life.
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