he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
