i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Randomize
