Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize