morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
