I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
