WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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