Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
