I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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