I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize