The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
