seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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