Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
