The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
