if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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