I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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