Apparently you make a good broom.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
