I'm so fucking centered right now
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize