Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
