I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
