Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize