I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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