The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
