You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize