Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
