I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
