And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
