all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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