Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
