We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
