I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
