We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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