i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
