Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize