Your dad touched me again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
