Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
