I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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