i would punch a child for taco bell
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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