somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
