True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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