u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
