omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
