I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
