Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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