When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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