just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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