captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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