I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
