My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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