You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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