I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
